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Setting Limits
By Pinky McKay
Toddlers learn the limits by testing them. It is normal for toddlers to assert their developing independence by saying no or ‘escaping’. This doesn’t mean you will thwart their development by setting limits. In fact, now is the time to gently lay the foundations of discipline.
Keep Expectations Realistic. Toddlers don’t understand concepts like hurry, tidy and wait, and taking turns or sharing depend on developmental readiness, not parental demands. Keep teaching, but be patient.
Notice the Good Things. Toddlers like to please the people they love, and they delight in attention. Comment positively and give hugs when you notice good behaviour and you will get more of it.
Mind your Tone. Your voice affects the atmosphere and your child’s willingness to listen and comply, so please don’t plead, nag or shout. Instead, try to be calm and positive. Take a few deep breaths if your buttons are being pushed and make requests without sounding like you are attacking: ‘Blocks are for building’ (not throwing); ‘Tables are for eating at’ (not climbing); ‘We only bite food’ (not people). You may need to physically redirect a strong-willed child (read, scoop him off the table and offer a diversion) as you speak calmly but firmly.
Acknowledge your Child’s Feelings. Different parts of the brain are involved in emotions and speech, so being able to express his feelings in words (rather than physically) will take a few years and developmental readiness. However, giving your child words and showing him he is being listened to is likely to minimise physical aggression. When little ones feel understood and, later, can talk about feelings, it is easier to release pent-up stress without resorting to kiddie violence.
Give Clear Instructions. Telling children what you do want is more effective than telling them what not to do – ‘Hold my hand,’ is better than “Don’t run on the road”.
And ‘Use your spoon,’ works better than ‘Don’t eat with your fingers.’ For some reason, little ones only seem to hear the actual request, not the ‘don’t’ that comes first. Even a one-year-old can follow very simple instructions if you present these clearly with lots of repetition. You will also need to demonstrate what you want and set a physical boundary. For instance, you can say, ‘Safe, safe,’ to your twelve-month-old as you turn his body so he learns to go down steps backwards rather than headfirst. Later, you will just have to remind him with words as you supervise. A toddler of eighteen months who is a little ‘escape artist’ will need to have his hand held as you tell him to ‘hold hands’. If there is a threat such as a busy road, always take the initiative of holding your toddler’s hand as you give an instruction, whatever his age.
Limit Rules. Children learn the rules more quickly when there aren’t too many of them: the more you say no, the less effective it becomes. And if we keep changing our minds on the little “No’s”, kids learn not to take us seriously on the big ‘NO!’ Make the environment as safe as possible, so that No can be saved for things that really matter. And be sure to follow through: if your resistance is low and you know you will probably give in to a request, it is better to say yes in the first place, than to change your mind for peace.
Say Yes more than No. Your child is a mimic – too many “no’s” could have a little tike whose favourite (and most powerful) word is no. When your child asks for a biscuit, instead of saying no you could try, ‘Yes, after dinner.’ Or instead of “No TV”, try, “We can watch TV when all the toys are packed away”.
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